Arbitron and Nielsen television ratings services recently confirmed what sports fans have long speculated. The Olympic “spoiler alerts” are aimed at exactly one man: Bode Hellman.

A native of suburban Chicago, Hellman says he’s grateful for the chance to turn down the TV and watch the events in Sochi without knowing how they end ahead of time. However, Nielsen confirmed that Hellman has watched just a grand total of 20 minutes of the games — mostly speed skating.

“But, he did nod off during eight of those minutes,” said Hellman’s elderly mother, with whom he shares the lone TV in the house. “He’s a good boy, but he can get kind of annoying about spoilers. Don’t even get me started about the time I accidentally told him how a Golden Girls episode ended before he had a chance to watch it.”

This isn’t the only example of Hellman wasting the collective nation’s time. He has objected to more than 20 weddings, he constantly asks additional, pointless questions at the end of meetings, and he even writes checks to pay for his groceries.

Mark Pants