Representatives for Jay Cutler and the Bears have announced the two sides have agreed to a seven-year contract of not caring, ensuring that the Bears starting quarterback of the past five seasons will continuing his patented brand of apathy through the 2020 season.
General manager Phil Emery expressed optimism about the deal, telling media sources, “Jay is a true champion when it comes to responding dismissively to whatever comes his way, be it a game winning touchdown or a game losing interception. We couldn’t be happier to have retained his services to ensure that, no matter what the outcome, the next seven years will see our team’s leader tossing his head back and exclaiming, ‘I … doooon’t … caaarrreeee’ to anyone and everyone he meets.”
While details of the contract are being finalized, many insiders believe that Cutler will have additional merit-based incentives added to his contract, which will likely elicit a response of a shrug and disinterested yawn from the quarterback.
When reached for comment, Cutler told reporters, “Whatever.”
By Jeff GoodSmith