After Greg Schiano was fired as the head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers following a disastrous 4-12 season that saw a MRSA outbreak, the ousting of quarterback Josh Freeman, and numerous reports of players responding negatively to his demanding practices, his family has expressed concern to media outlets, stating that ever since news of his firing, Schiano has spent all of his free time holed up in his basement, meticulously crafting an army of 4-inch “Schiano Men” out of pipe cleaners and nail polish.

“We just want him to come up and spend some time with the family,” his wife told media outlets.  “When he got fired, we figured we’d at least get to see more of him around the house. But so far, the only time we’ve heard from him, he’s been shouting to himself in the basement, pretending that he’s a play-by-play announcer, saying things like, ‘Schiano drops back to pass, throws to Schiano, TOUCHDOWN SCHIANO! And look, the team is running wind sprints to celebrate, what a disciplined group of young tiny men!’ It’s starting to worry us.”

While other NFL coaches were fired on the same day, Schiano seems to be taking it worse than everyone except for recently ousted Jim Schwartz, who is currently under investigation for a series of rage-fueled assaults and arson cases in the Detroit area.

By Jeff GoodSmith

Jeff GoodSmith