Despite having one of the most successful and versatile offenses in the NFL, Marc Trestman today has opened his bag of unorthodox tricks again by announcing that for the rest of the regular season, the Bears will be punting on first down.

Citing a list of hazards inherent in offensive ball handling including fumbles, penalties and lightning strikes, Trestman today addressed the media.

“There are myriad ways that things can go wrong when you have the ball, said Trestman. “One time, I saw a guy get attacked by wolves trying to run the ball. And passing? Forget about it. Terrorists are just waiting for a good pass play to attack again. We’ll do just fine without any of that fancy stuff, thank you.”

While some have complained that with one of the league’s best collections of receivers and Matt Forte at running back, the Bears actually might benefit from maintaining possession a little bit longer, Trestman again balked.

“Hey, if it’s so easy to get positive yardage, how come I can’t seem to figure out how to score from the one-yard line?”