DIVE HARD starring Henrik Sedin
While the original featured John McClain saving hostages from a band of thieves/terrorists, we envision the Sedin version as a more passive film, with the Canuck pretending to be shot and subsequently lying motionless on the ground for two hours while someone else saves the day.
BAD SANTA starring Jim Schwartz
The tone of the film would remain fairly true to the original, but in this version Santa is far less witty, making him a jerk without any redeeming qualities.
SELF starring Alex Rodriguez
Forget the holiday spirit. This movie is all about what it means to look out for number one, baby! Rodriguez stars as an elf that sues Santa Claus for defamation of character, despite the fact that it’s plainly obvious Rodriguez has been suspiciously growing bigger and stronger with age, when the opposite is usually true for elves.
THE SANTA HOSS starring Marian Hossa and Patrick Kane
A delightful romp featuring Marian Hossa delivering toys for all the girls and boys, including his teammate and (in this version) son Patrick Kane. In a not-too-surprising twist, everyone gets their presents on time except for the children of Detroit and Vancouver.
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, BUT A TERRIBLE SEASON! starring Aaron Rodgers
In a ripped-from-the-headlines remake, Aaron Rodgers stars as a man who becomes a creepy, mustachioed ghost and gets to see what Green Bay would be like without him. Not surprisingly, it’s a total mess. On the bright side, every time a bell rings, a Packer fan loses his cheesehead.
ROMO ALONE starring Tony Romo
Tony Romo trying to defend his house against two bumbling robbers and also a bunch of haters from the media? Let the hilarity ensue!
A CHRISTMAS STORY starring Plaxico Burress
The classic tale is updated, but the underlying story remains: immature kid wants a gun and eventually shoots himself with it.
SCREWED starring Matt Schaub
The title says it all. The horrible statistics say the rest.