In a flurry of telephone conversations held Friday morning, Cubs president Theo Epstein scampered to find a new manager for his beleaguered team. Epstein reportedly made 27 phone calls in a 30-minute timespan from 7:30 to 8:00 a.m. CST.

After waking several managerial candidates and two men who are currently coaching 8-year-old machine-pitch baseball, Epstein collected himself for a morning coffee, and to catch his breath. After word of the frenzy was leaked, Epstein was forced to explain his rush.

“Didn’t you hear?” Epstein proclaimed to reporters. “Dusty Baker was fired. My life is hell. Not only did Cincinnati just improve their ballclub ten-fold and save the careers of their pitching staff, but they also released Dusty into the job market while I’m trying to find a real manager!”

Epstein was asked why it mattered.

“Apparently, you’ve never been through a Dusty Baker interview,” Epstein huffed. “First he comes walking into a room fully loaded with toothpick in mouth and wristbands precariously positioned too high on his arms. Then he brings that damn kid. He’s running all over the place, knocking over the lamps. Then Dusty proceeds to tell incoherent stories that bore you to death. I can’t believe you guys don’t know this! I mean, he basically forces the GM to hire him just so the GM can get him out of his office. He was certainly never made a manager because he has any semblance of game-calling skill!”

Just as Epstein was about to break from reporters and continue his search, a call came in for him. All that could be heard was Epstein saying, “I understand. Yes. Dusty is here.” Then, Epstein crumpled into his office chair and uncontrollably wept.

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