Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – New Orleans Saints Boondock Saints shoot down Bucs late, 16-14 in a game that obviously angered Zeus as lighting caused a long-ass delay. Jimmy Graham caught 10 passes for 179 and a score.
9 – Houston Texans Might need to call them the Houston Houdini after another magic escape. Arian Foster scores tying TD & 2-point conversion leading to OT winner by DeAndre Hopkins.
8 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners best shave all their eyebrows after that sorry-ass performance in Seattle. Up against the ropes all game and managing only a field goal, the defending NFC champs get 87 rushing yards from Colin Kaepernick and nothing else.
7 – Kansas City Chiefs It’s a masterpiece in K.C.! Good thing the Chiefs wear red, to hide the BBQ sauce on Andy Reid’s collar. Alex Smith passes for 223 and 2 TDs and also rushes for 57.
6 – Green Bay Packers Destruction of D.C. in Dairyland! This week’s Master of Disaster Aaron Rodgers throws for 4 TDs/480 yards in relaxing win over Washington (with the cholesterol level of those Pack fans any easy win is good for their blood pressure).
5 – New England Patriots The Chowder Crew starting to look as old as George Foreman! Tom Brady slugs through 15 rounds of Jets mess to earn 13-10 win (185 yards, 1 TD but 19 for 39 passing).
4 – Chicago Bears Grrrrrrrrr!!!!! Bears chew up Yo, Adrian! Peterson and mates 31-30 on a last-minute Cutler connection with TE Bennett.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks It was so loud at CenturyLink Field I had to go to a silent count at the Weathers man-cave when signaling my butler to get me a beer. Marshawn Lynch earns his Skittles with 3 TDs in 29-3 KO of SF.
2 – Denver Broncos Only winners get wings! Peyton paddles Eli for 3rd straight time (307 yards & 2 TDs) in 41-23 win. Giant defenders had a better shot at catching O.J.’s white bronco than white Bronco receivers.
1 – Oakland Raiders Just Win Baby! Raiders chop down Jax with a steady dose of body blows & quick jabs. Darren McFadden ducks and dives for 129 in 19-9 decision.
Program note – The September 22nd edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy hits the road with a visit to the New Jersey Meadowlands as Marv’s Bills take on the Jets. Our guest is Bryan Cranston from “Breaking Bad” who will cook us up some Albuquerque Blue nachos and pound down some cold Coors Lights with us. Also, Marv breaks out the laser pointer, calipers and body fat calculator and selects our Miss Marv Levy 2013. We’re coming to your city!!!!