Record: 2-5 (1-3 vs. Washington, 1-2 vs. San Diego)

The week of confusion began with an 11-1 drubbing of the Nationals powered by five long balls (two by Nate Schierholtz, who also drove in a career high six runs) and a trade of David DeJesus to those same Nationals just a dugout away (plus a hot wife to be named later). During batting practice, DeJesus was seen wearing a Cub jersey and Washington trousers. Later in the week, the Nats dealt DeJesus to the Tampa Bay Rays, which almost then made sense.

All the Cubs got out of it was a shiny silver dollar.

While the Cubs lost the last three games of the series, they at least kept the fans in the bleachers happy with an array of homers by Donnie “Home Run” Murphy, Brian Bogusevic (who replaced DeJesus on the roster) and two blasts in game three by Anthony Rizzo hitting second in the order.

The Cubs then took their traveling dog and pony show to San Diego where they sandwiched two extra-painful losses (blowing a 6-0 first inning lead in Friday’s 8-6 loss and falling 3-2 in 15 innings in the rubber game Sunday) around a crisp 3-2 win on Saturday. The Cub fielders took the “lead” in the unofficial advanced saber metric statistic of LAR (losses above replacement). The formula for LAR: mental errors times physical errors divided by Pi (r) squared. Each time Starlin Castro double-pumps before firing a ball at Rizzo’s toes an angel loses their wings.

The Cubs scored 11 runs in Monday’s game after scoring only 12 runs in their previous eight home games. In fairness to them, the wind was blowing down in most of those contests. The Cubs still lead the National League with 403 extra base hits. They still trail Miguel Cabrera by six, however.

MVP: Jeff Samardzija – The big, goofy-haired right-hander won both his starts. The former All-American wide receiver must be getting excited about football season starting or there were some left-over Biogenesis drugs lying around the clubhouse.

LVP: James Russell – 0-2. The hair is not cute when you cease to be reliable in getting just a couple outs here and there, good sir.

Ask the Magic 8-Ball: Would the Cubs have won the Little League World Series?
Magic 8-Ball says: “Reply hazy, try again.”

Patrick O. Elia