Cubs management announced after Sunday evening’s 15-inning loss to the Padres that the team successfully avoided the outgoing mayor of San Diego during their entire weekend series in the Southern California city. Citing the need to protect their players from the threat of sexual harassment and awkward displays of affection, the Cubs hired security and equipped each of their players with a special whistle to blow if Mayor Bob Filner gets too close to any of them. Filner recently agreed to resign after being accused by nearly scores of women of inappropriate behavior towards them while they served in his office.

Cubs players were urged to only go out in large groups of at least 25 and to avoid being alone in public after dark. Also, each Cubs player underwent intense self-defense training, which proved difficult as most players on the Cubs aren’t known for their defense in any way shape or form.

Finally, as an added layer of security, the Cubs changed accommodations from their normal hotel to the Senor Frogs Youth Hostel just south of the border in nearby Tijuana. While there, Cubs players were protected by a drug cartel who trained ex-paramilitaries who guaranteed that as long as all their demands are met, the mayor of San Diego will not touch any of their players. In spite of the added security presence, Cubs management was still fearful that Filner would find a way to get through their defenses and give somebody on the team a really creepy hug.

When pressed for a response, Mayor Filner simply stated that “I just love the Cubs so much and I just wanted to show them some affection. If it’s wrong that I want to give them all big hugs to let them know how I feel about them coming to town to play our Padres — whom I also love, well I guess that’s something that only 24 to 48 hours of intense therapy can cure.”