Alfonso Soriano’s return to the New York Yankees via trade from the Cubs is making GM Brian Cashman look brilliant. Soriano is putting up video game numbers for the Yanks, including approximately 200 RBIs last week. After languishing in Chicago for 6+ seasons, he has somehow found a power stroke of historic proportions.

Combined with the fact that Soriano has been around PED enthusiast Alex Rodriguez, Major League Baseball became suspicious and decided to issue him a “random” drug test. The results were astonishing.

Soriano’s test contained no traces of any banned substances whatsoever. However, scientists discovered a genetic mutation in his blood that gives him near-super hitting powers. The sample was compared to a blood test conducted during his time with the Cubs and they realized that leaving the Cubs actually improved Soriano’s DNA to the point that he became an effective baseball player again.

“We still have a lot of research to do,” said some nerdy scientist in a lab coat. “But it appears that Mr. Soriano escaping from the Vortex of Losing that is Wrigley Field, combined with his body’s intense optimism from said escape, caused a DNA shift that makes him a hitting machine. There are historical examples of this in the past like when Lou Brock was traded from the Cubs and went from an average ballplayer to a Hall of Famer. We are excited to finally have scientific evidence to answer mankind’s greatest question: ‘Why do Ex-Cubs become so awesome?'”

Major League Baseball has decided to fund further studies in the field of Ex-Cub DNA. They expect to find the answers to why Mark Grace and Angel Pagan became champions after leaving the Cubs, why Matt Murton was able to break Ichiro Suzuki’s Japanese League record for hits in a season, why Kent Bottenfield became an All-Star, and why Jamie Moyer was able to pitch for 200 years. Samples will be collected from each player to prove that they exhibit signs of the Ex-Cub mutation.

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