Record: 5-2 (2-2 vs. Diamondbacks, 3-0 vs. Giants)

The week began with the inevitable trade of Matt Garza (to The Walker, Texas Rangers) for prospects and, two days later, the slightly less inevitable trade of Alfonso Soriano (to the Yankees, with the Cubs still paying the bulk of the crow-hopping, crazy swinging, happy go lucky outfielders’ national debt-sized salary).

Junior Lake kept the Cubs afloat after the moves in a four-game split in the desert vs. Arizona by Puig-ing the ball to the tune of 10 for 18 hitting with two homers and four RBI. Nate Schierholtz continued his revival at the plate by knocking in five runs in Wednesday’s 7-6, 12-inning win.

The winning while trading players away continued in the Bay Area as Chicago swept a three-game set against the defending champs. Friday’s win was sealed with the patented “hit the ball at the first basemen/watch the Giants make a two run error in the ninth to blow the game play (with Brandon Belt doing the honors, letting an Anthony Rizzo grounder past him into the right field corner).” Some San Fran fans still think Will Clark is playing first base for the club.

Surging Schierholtz crushed a ninth inning homer against his former mates for the only run of the game in Saturday’s 1-0 win. Obviously he was the Giants team last year as the club fell to 12 games under .500 without him after winning the World Series when he was on the roster. All-Star Travis Wood got wood on a pitch in the finale on Sunday, jacking his second homer of the year and earning his 7th win on the season.

The 2013 Hall of Fame weekend in Cooperstown, while devoid of any living players/Cubs/Pete Rose or equipment, did feature the induction of two PEDs: HGH and “The Cream.” HGH made a compelling acceptance speech which bought many of the doping doctors in attendance to tears.

MVP: Chris Rusin – Making two starts in place of the departed Garza, Rusin went 1-0 while giving up only two earned runs in 12 innings. He also didn’t sail any balls over Rizzo’s head into the 20th row of the stands. Hooray!

LVP: Theo Epstein – While he was able to trade Soriano to The Bronx Bombers, he only got a prospect Buster Olney was unable to say anything good about and also kept the Cubs on the hook for the bulk of Soriano’s salary. The five-year plan is looking more like a six to one hundred year plan. Boo!!!

Ask the Magic 8-Ball: Will the Cubs trade nine more players and finish the season above .500?

Magic 8-Ball says: “Reply hazy, try again.”

Patrick O. Elia