With a combined record of 79 wins and 105 losses, and 28 games out of first place between them, the Chicago Cubs and White Sox players voted to stay home after the All-Star break.
“It’s really stupid for us to play out the season,” Sox catcher Tyler Flowers told a local newspaper. “We’re on pace to lose about 110 games; I haven’t played since Father’s Day, and there’s, like, 187 people in the stands for every game.”
“Damn. I’m pretty upset now about going to the All-Star game,” said Travis Wood, the Cubs’ lone representative to the mid-summer classic. “That screws me out of three extra days of time off.”
Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts agreed.
“Actually, I wouldn’t mind if the boys didn’t report back to work after the break,” he said. “This way, we can begin installing the new accoutrements to the ball park immediately.”
Sox President Kenny Williams was more than happy to “let the bums leave.”
“We’ve already started signing replacement players,” he said.
The team confirmed it has come to terms with Timo Perez and Carl Everett, with Willie Harris, Cliff Polite and Shingo Takatsu expected to sign soon.
Players were asked how they would occupy time during the remainder of the summer until spring training 2014.
“I’ll just go back home to Arizona and work on my Dad’s sheep ranch,” lamented Cody Ransom. “We got some real pretty ones, too.”
Adam Dunn was quite excited about his time off. “I’ll do pretty much what I’ve done all season long: nothing.”