NFL commissioner Roger Goodell made some serious announcements earlier this week that he said reflect a heighten concern for safety of all those associated with the NFL.

“Since we have seen so much progress against the scourges of blunt trauma, concussions,¬†Alzheimer’s, paralysis, steroid abuse, HGH abuse and depression we are proud to announce that this season we are making major changes to our safety policies for fans,” said Goodell. “1. We are only allowing see-through bags — the contents of which will be thoroughly examined by a part-time employee making minimum wage — into our venues this year. This is because we totally get women. 2. We are going to expand “cancer awareness month” into the whole season. Apparently cancer was not adequately intimidated by our steroid abusing, half-human walking athletic abominations of God and nature the past few seasons so all the teams will now suit up in all pink, all year.”

Goodell continued: “We expect an unconditional surrender from cancer’s spokesperson by Wildcard Week.¬† 3. Also, because we totally get women, we are also announcing a new line of official pink referee whistles that will be used during the season. Ed Hochuli looked so authoritarian with that little pink piece of plastic in his mouth that we’re going to give all refs this powerful symbol of cancer-fighting, high pitched noise-making machismo. May history judge our actions fairly.”

Mark Pants