One of the highlights of the $300 million restoration of Wrigley Field will be toilets that really work, Cubs President Theo Epstein said in a press conference.

“The biggest hang-up we had in getting this plan completed was our haggle with the city over installing toilets that actually work properly,” said Epstein.

Chicago officials estimate the new toilet system could cost the city millions of dollars.

Alderman Tom Tunney revealed that during ballgames the city’s water level drops by nearly 50 million gallons, costing an average of $1.19 per flush during peak hours.

Other amenities incorporated into the plan include ATM machines that have enough money in them to last through the first inning; a special section cordoned off for public officials and dignitaries, such as Toni Preckwinkle, Gov. Pat Quinn, Vince Vaughn and Jesse Jackson, which will be called the Rod Blagojevich Pavilion; and a secluded area for drunken hookups.

Perhaps the best of the amenities will be new seats big enough to fit the ass of someone with a size 32 waist.