Less than a year ago, Marian Hossa’s season ended with a brutal hit from Phoenix Coyotes’ thug Raffi Torres. Now the winger is back in top form, averaging nearly two goals per game. In a year when athletes have already admitted to everything from steroids to fake girlfriends, Hossa felt it best to quickly reveal that the secret to his continued success is radioactive spiders.

“It’s not as sleazy as it sounds. Nobody injected Hoss with spiders,” said a Blackhawks team representative. “He self-administered them in more of a smoothie form.”

Fans became suspicious during the game Sunday when Hossa was observed skating around players without even looking in their direction. This sixth — or “spidey” — sense, with which one senses and evades personal danger, is often observed in those who have had brushes with glowing arachnids. Suspicions were then confirmed during the third period, when Hossa scurried over a glass wall and into the penalty box without opening the door.

“I feel good. I have no apology,” said Hossa. “Much thanks to American doctors for being so creative. At least for athletes.”

Bandwagon Dan