The ever-budding rivalry between the Chicago Cubs and the Milwaukee Brewers has devolved into a series of violent off-the-field “accidents” this offseason. It was revealed that last weekend, Brewers legend Robin Yount went all Dick Cheney on his “friend” and current Cubs manager Dale Sveum by “accidentally” shooting him with bird shot while quail hunting in Arizona. Sveum survived with only a bloody ear and laughed off the incident.

Cubs fans though, did not laugh at the shooting, nor did they believe it was accidental. Upon hearing the news, thousands of Cubs supporters flooded out of the warmth of Wrigleyville bars to demonstrate their desire for retribution on Addison Street. “BLOOD FOR BLOOD!” shouted one demonstrator, before he finished off his 13th Heineken of the day. The outcry inspired Chicago Cubs Superfan Ronnie “Woo-Woo” Wickers to take matters into his own hands.

Woo-Woo jumped into his 1989 Buick Skylark and sped off to Milwaukee like a man on a mission. Ronnie heard on the radio that the Brewers mustachioed mascot, Bernie Brewer, was making an appearance for charity at a local food pantry. Just as Bernie stepped out of whatever the hell it is 8-foot-tall blonde German mascots in lederhosen drive, Woo-Woo stepped on the gas and nailed Bernie, sending him tumbling over the hood and roof. As he drove away from the scene, Woo-Woo leaned out the window shouting, “REVENGE, WOO! SUCK IT, WOO! CUBS, WOO!”

Bernie Brewer was rushed to an area hospital where he was placed in a mascot-sized body cast and given a steady IV-drip of Miller Lite. Brewers owner Mark Attanasio denounced the incident, but expressed optimism that Bernie would be back atop his outfield slide by Opening Day.

Trailer Park Charlie