Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Cincinnati Bengals The orange-hot cats of Ohio nip San Diego 20-13 behind orange-headed QB Andy Dalton (TD pass, go ahead TD run). Looking at their helmets though, somehow, gives me vertigo, dementia and diarrhea.
9 – New York Giants Big Blue gets ripped up by RGIII (235 total yards and a TD pass) in 17-16 loss in D.C. I can write the New York Post headline: “Skinned Alive!” Or is that a line from Predator. I was in Predator, the first one, the good one.
8 – Denver Broncos Roger Goodell attempting to repeal state of Colorado’s marijuana law as Bronco locker room starting to look like a scene from a Cheech & Chong movie. Despite funky haze, Denver beats T-Bay 31-23 behind Peyton’s 3 TD passes; Broncos steal AFC West title from Oakland.
7 – Green Bay Packers Pack rebounds with 23-14 win vs. Minny despite this week’s Master of Disaster Adrian Peterson’s 210 rush yards/TD. Aaron Rodgers celebrates his 29th birthday. I’m just sad I wasn’t there to give him a punch to grow an inch.
6 – New England Patriots Pats Filet ‘o the Fish 23-16 behind 12 catches/103 yards from Wes Welker, clinch 4th straight AFC East crown. Brady plays joke on chubby Vince Wilfork, makes him pay for two seats on the flight back to N.E..
5 – Atlanta Falcons Dirty Birds end their curse of Saints, throttling N.O. 23-13 and picking off Drew Brees 5 times. Matt Ryan supposedly one of the people throwing eggs at the Saints plane as it arrived in Atlanta.
4 – Chicago Bears Bears mess up, allow Seattle to bring their weather to Soldier Field in December, lose 23-17 in OT to team led by mini-QB (love ya, RW1, but you short, bro). You and Doug Flutie can sit together at the bar (with telephone books on the barstools) and order your Miller Lites together. Brandon Marshall keeps Bears in game with 10 catches/165 yards.
3 – Houston Texans HOU moves to 11-1 with 24-10 effort over Titans, clinch spot in BCS title game vs. Notre Dame. Kidding, I hate when announcers even pretend any college team could compete against an NFL team. Stop it, chumps!
Matt Schaub leads the way with 207 pass yards/2 TDs.
2 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners really, really tried hard to tie Rams again but fall 16-13 in OT (to the relief of all their sisters, there’s still a lot of uncomfortable awkwardness between them and their brothers playing for each team). David Akers (missed FG in OT) walking back to SF.
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver and Black Attack suffer setback in The Black Hole, 20-17 to Browns despite 156 yards rushing by Bo Jackson and 12 sacks from Lyle Alzado. I blame the Black Hole crew for not throwing batteries at the Cleveland plane, normally they can knock out a 747 at 10,000 feet.
Program note – The December 9th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature the two of us doing Adderall, Viagra and some other assorted PEDs to see what the players are going through. The show will last 18 hours.
Marv would like to welcome Coach Ditka back to that yuck-fest over at ESPN but reminds “Da Coach” he once had 3 major strokes and was decapitated by a low-flying Goodyear blimp and didn’t miss a take here at our show. Not saying he’s tougher than Ditka but…