On Friday, shortly after his two-week hiatus announcement, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman underwent major surgery. In an attempt to make him a more rational person, the owners attempted to have him lobotomized.

“I think it’s a great idea,” said Bill Stewart, lifetime hockey fan. “It’s not like it could hurt negotiations.”

There was one major problem with the procedure, according to Dr. Pumbar of the Mayo Clinic.

“There’s just nothing in there,” he said. “We made one incisions and the only thing we found was a dead moth.”

This discovery explains certain personality quirks and several decisions that have been made in the past; including, but not limited to, the first lockout, the second lockout, not starting negotiations this time until the season was already in jeapordy, and the most recent idea of not having negotiations for two weeks because he’s cranky. According to Dr. Pumbar, there is no cure yet available for Empty Skull Syndrome.