With the roster of the Minnesota Timberwolves in shambles after the injury bug infected them with the equivalent of malaria, the team has signed veteran shooter Scottie Pippen out of retirement to try and ease the stress.

Since every big name on the roster is hurt, management feels this is the only solution.

“He can bring a veteran presence to our team, as long as he doesn’t break a hip,” said Rick Adelman, coach of the Timberwolves.

The free agent pool is now as deep as the gene pool in West Virginia thanks to the Timberwolves taking a runner on anyone who claims to still be able to shoot.