Newly unemployed manager Ozzie Guillen announced today he will manage in the only place left for him: Cuba. In a joint press conference with a comatose Fidel Castro, Guillen said he would be managing the Cuban national team in its next quest for an Olympic Gold medal.

“With the love I have for this man,” said Guillen, pointing to Castro through the numerous tubes and machines keeping him alive, “I can bring back the pride this great country and its people once had.”

Added Guillen: “Thanks to the strict rules about internet use, believe me, I won’t be calling Fidel an [expletive deleted] on Twitter. I value my life too much.”

John F