After fielding complaints about Mets games causing severe boredom and migraine headaches, MLB commissioner Bud Selig has decided to permanently black out all of the team’s games for the rest of its existence. Specifically, this means any network available to people in the New York metropolitan area has been banned from broadcasting Mets games. The Mets will still play 162 games a season, but those games will only be viewable for people in the markets of the opposing teams.

“The Mets have proven yet again they are a threat to the health of the innocent people of the NYC area,” said Selig at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, where scientists proved the dangerousness of watching Mets games live. “Their inability to do something as simple as beat the Marlins or Astros is too graphic for normal people to watch, causing extreme trauma from the lack of fundamentals and talent on the field. This has been going on for too long and no more innocent fans need to get sick before we nip this problem in the Bud, pun intended. Consider this bud nipped.”

However, the Mets will still sell tickets to home games at Citi Field, even though the playing field will be covered from the fans by a black, permanent dome that precludes them from watching the train wreck that is the team. Fans will still be allowed to purchase burgers from Shake Shack, which is all they truly care about anyway.