It was recently discovered that anyone who comes into contact with Bears offensive tackle J’Marcus Webb immediately has their luck turn around. Just ask any NFL defensive end, or Bears QB Jay Cutler. That’s why the Bears have decided to tie Webb to the goal posts for home games and have all players, fans, the sick and elderly, as well as coaches take a good bump at Webb before games.

Cutler, who bumped Webb in week 2, has seen his luck slowly change to the tune of an increased completion percentage, and last week’s 140.1 QB rating.

“As soon as I put my hands on number 73, I feel 4 years younger,” said Jared Allen of the Vikings, who has 63 of his 107 career sacks against Webb. “I never could understand why the Bears still use him. I guess we know now it’s because he’s a 6’7″ leprechaun.”

Brew Dreesus