In cooperation with FOX and ESPN, the National Football League has created a new camera that will document every single moment of Jay Cutler’s game, beginning three hours before kickoff and ending at dawn the next morning.

“From how much he talks to his teammates while putting on his pads to every pout, expletive and smirk on the sidelines, Cutler Cam™ will be there to capture it,” said a league source. “The fans may not care, but the media simply can’t get enough Cutler! This will allow broadcasters and journalists to finally scrutinize the Bears quarterback fully and completely.”

The camera, which will hover three feet from Cutler’s face at all times, will feed HD footage directly to The Anti-Cutler Channel, which debuts this week. Nearly 6,000 members of the media have subscribed to the channel already, despite the $200 cost per game.

“Some people may say this is invasive,” said a FOX sports spokesman. “But we do plan to give Jay privacy. The CutlerCam™ will automatically turn off during plays on the field, as nobody really cares about those anyway. They only care about the important things, like whether Jay’s eye twitched when he was talking to [Bears head coach] Lovie Smith, signaling that he obviously hates his coach and respects nobody but himself.”

Heckler George