NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman plans to simply kick back and relax all day long, and do exactly as much work as he does the rest of the year.

“I’ll probably start my day like I do every Monday, by taking a nap right when I get to the office,” said Bettman. “Then I’ll look through the papers and see if there’s any lockout news to ignore. Once I find it, I throw it in the trash without reading. Eventually I delete some emails and voice mails from the player’s union …  huh, when you think about it, I’m pretty busy for someone who accomplishes nothing!”

Bettman does plan to alter his typical routine, as he will lay out by the pool this afternoon instead of making the usual 300 calls to NHL fans, during which he personally tells them to “go screw themselves.”

Heckler George