As Matt Garza’s 2012 struggles on the mound continued into July, culminating in last week’s thrashing in Atlanta, the pitcher/trade bait also started drawing some negative attention from local hair stylists. Not one of them could definitively classify the grouping of follicles on the right-hander’s chin.
“It’s not a goatee, it’s not a soul patch, it’s not a beard, it’s not stubble, it’s … it’s just a clump of mess, honey,” exclaimed Zoltar Tokken, a stylist at a Lakeview salon. “He’s obviously a confused little boy. The length of parts of his little chin play-thing are too long to be considered chic in any way and it’s not sloppy enough to be ironic in any book. It’s offensive. Like, does it help him pitch better? If not, I suggest he shave it off and do us all a favor.”
Garza (4-7) admitted his teammates have tried to get him to shave it, leaving Lady Remington razors in his locker and placing 911 calls to the Fashion Police to no avail. Fashion Police Sgt. Henri Patten confirmed that, while the chin hair is highly offensive, Garza is not as yet breaking any fashion or styling laws as the clump of hair only covers about 10% of his face.