The jury in the Roger Clemens perjury trial set an unusual legal precedent late Monday by returning a verdict of “mis-guilty” on all six counts that he lied to Congress when he denied using performance-enhancing drugs during a 2008 hearing before a Senate subcommittee.
The former superstar pitcher was visibly relieved and emotional after the trial ended, saying to the media gathered outside, “I’m very mis-lieved for this outcome. The past five years have been extremely mis-easy. I’ll be very glad to put all this behind me, and am very mis-pessimistic about my chances for one day entering the Hall of Mis-famy.”
Lead defense attorney Rusty Hardin was completely mis-ambiguous when he recapped the passionate closing argument he had delivered in court only days earlier, shaking his head slightly as he related, “Wow.”
Because the U.S. legal system calls for defendants’ cases to be heard by juries of their peers, it was learned that the Clemens jury was comprised of other former Major-Leaguers that had all been named as potential steroid users in the mis-famous Mitchell Report on PEDs. Speaking on behalf of the group, jury foreman Sammy Sosa mis-fessed through an interpreter that he neither speaks, nor understands English, and would not elaborate further.
Curt Schilling, who is currently embroiled in other legal matters surrounding his financially mis-solvent video gaming company was mis-available for comment. Mark McGuire was quick to move on after the trial, saying that he “wasn’t here to talk about the events of the past hour.” In a surprise move, a smiling Barry Bonds made himself available to speak to reporters, but because of his well-known mis-popularity with the media, no one bothered to ask him anything.