I used to be a columnist named Loco Rob. I had a heyday but not recently. Like Kerry Wood, who fanned 20 in a game when he was in his prime, I wrote “I know what the Cubs need next summer” when I was good.
That was six years ago. I think it’s time for me to go.
Like Kerry Wood, I started out my career going the distance, writing columns as long as 500 words, and once wrote a 1,400 word column while I was drunk. The Heckler went ahead and published that entire column. It must have been a real doozy. Who am I kidding? I’m looking at that column right now.
Facebook, my scapegoat, has turned me into a pithy blurb poster, withering my stamina down to catchphrases, although, in my defense, I write my own material.
Everything is happening all at once. I thought the purpose of time was to preclude that from happening. But suddenly I’m quitting, Facebook stock is available to the public, Kerry Wood has announced his retirement and Donna Summer died. I once mentioned Donna Summer in a column. I wanted to email it to her but I never found her address.
Like Kerry Wood, I became available only in spot occurrences and was frequently disabled. My Achilles’ heel wasn’t my arm, or my foot for that matter, but my short attention whatever.
As this is my last outing, I aim for 273 words, not including my byline or column title. 273 is the number of words in Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. This is my last pitch, now.
I’m wild high and it’s time for goodbye.
By Rob C. Christiansen