Jeff Samardzija’s fastball isn’t the only thing working this season; his hair has been similarly flawless. But all of it – from the flowing mane to the razor-thin mustache and soul patch combo – has purpose. The pitcher has been deliberately crafting his appearance in an effort to land an endorsement deal with Captain Morgan, makers of fine rum.
“I got the idea last Halloween when everybody kept asking me if I was a pirate,” said Samardzija. “I was actually Oscar Wilde, but when nobody knew who that was I just eventually said yes. Now I feel like I should use our nation’s love of pirates to my advantage.”
Samardzija has been wearing increasingly puffy jerseys in order to gain the attention of his favorite rum purveyor. He insists that it is only a matter of time before the approach leads to a starring role in Captain Morgan’s quirky yet successful television commercials.
“I’ll be the only true pirate in professional sports, aside from the actual Pirates or maybe John Axford,” said Samardzija. “I’m feeling good. I may just plunder Reed Johnson’s locker later and steal his giant socks.”
“Right now we’re the official rum of college,” said a Captain Morgan representative. “But we’re leaving the door open for baseball. More of those guys look good in pantaloons.”