The Mets have announced the team’s batboy will replace Jason Bay in the lineup.
“I got the idea during a spring training game against the Braves at Digital Domain Park,” Mets skipper Terry Collins said. “The weather was great that day. It was St. Patrick’s Day and we wore our special green jerseys to mark the occasion. You should check out the photos I uploaded on Facebook.”
Collins went on to explain that the Mets were in the midst of an eight–or–nine-game losing streak at the time.
“We lost that game to the Braves which extended our losing streak to nine or ten, something like that,” Collins said. “In the ninth inning my subconscious mind read the batboy’s monogram as ‘Jason Bay’ as he went to retrieve a bat out by home plate. Bay himself was strolling up to the plate. I said, ‘whoa, big fella,’ and told the batboy to stay up there and get in the box instead. He doubled.”
The Mets locked down the batboy for $16 million over 12 years in a strategic signing by wily owner Fred Wilpon.
“He’s only 14,” Wilpon said. “In 12 years he will still be only 26. And $16 million is our net gain in our Bernie Madoff involvement. We paid $162 million in a settlement last week, but we stand to reap $178 million in our lawsuit against Madoff. So we are basically stealing the batboy, who says he can handle right field as he was usually stuck there by his Little League manager.”
The Mets’ other announcements come from team organist Carl Keyes, who says he will play “Camptown Races” every time Lucas Duda comes to bat.
“It’s a song by Stephen Foster, who wrote ‘I Dream of Jeannie with the Light Brown Hair’ and ‘Oh Susanna,’” Keyes said. “‘Camptown Races’ has great lyrics that include, ‘the Camptown racetrack’s five miles long, Duda, Duda,’ and generally repeats ‘Duda’ about fifty times.”
Keyes also says he will play old songs by Ike & Tina Turner whenever Ike Davis or Justin Turner comes to bat.
By Rob C. Christiansen