Usually reserved for extreme cases, local lushes and the elderly, the Illinois Department of Motor Vehicles is now requiring all Chicago sports stars to re-take driver’s ed courses.

The DMV has had a black eye with individuals like Derrick Rose, Lance Briggs, Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane and Mike Ditka over the years, and now Illinois is taking the initiative to combat these stars. Starting next month, the DMV will require all prominent sports celebs in Chicago to take the following courses: Proper etiquette in running from your crashed Lamborghini, avoiding immovable steel objects while you are concussed, and not punching cab drivers in the face 101.

Most of those affected balked at the classes. However, newly-signed Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall is excited for the courses.

“I think this is going to be a great opportunity to meet others who live like me,” said Marshall “That Kaner seems like he knows where the action is at around 4am … I need to understand his secret.”

Brew Dreesus