The Miami Marlins made a big splash this winter when they signed Jose Reyes to a six-year contract, but the star shortstop has already asked for a trade. On his first tour of Marlins Park, Reyes ran out of the stadium and refused to return.
“I have no idea what the hell happened,” said Marlins owner, Jeffrey Loria. “He loved the fish tank behind home plate, but as soon as we walked into the outfield it was like he saw a ghost.”
The Marlins biggest attraction at the new park is a home run celebration beyond center field. The massive, flamboyant structure will feature flipping marlins, flying gulls, and dancing flamingos whenever a Marlin player hits a home run.
“They never told me about that machine, man,” Reyes said. “I can’t play baseball knowing that thing is behind me. Never thought I’d say this, but I kinda miss the apple in New York.”
Reyes, who can’t be dealt until May, gave the Marlins a list of teams he’d be willing to play for. The Mets were one of three teams left off.
Reyes’s new manager, Ozzie Guillen, also weighed in on the home run structure, claiming he may bench slugger Giancarlo Stanton in fear he will “set the thing off too much.”
“That home run color thing is gay,” Ozzie added. “I don’t mean like man love gay, I mean gay like stupid, ya know? It’s just gay man. I knew this job was too good to be true.”
Guillen was later fined $50,000 by the league and ordered to be Grand Marshall in Miami’s Gay Pride Parade in July.