Calling it a “matter of time,” the Chicago Police Department preemptively arrested troubled Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall today for a crime to be named later.

Marshall, who’s been arrested a whopping seven times and was accused of punching a woman in the face over the weekend, was taken into custody upon his arrival at O’Hare, after which the CPD took his mug shot and completed the necessary paperwork, leaving blank only the date and charges.

“This is all about efficient public service,” said CPD Lieutenant Glenn Kozlowski. “When he comes in on yet another DUI or domestic abuse charge, we’ll have things pretty much ready to go. It also gives us an opportunity to juke the stats if we so choose. So that’s a bonus.”

When asked about the arrest, head coach Lovie Smith electrified the assembled media by stating, “Brandon is our wide receiver,” then he reflexively defended the Cover 2 defense.

Quinn Perkins