Amidst the recent revelations that the New Orleans Saints paid a bounty to players for delivering vicious hits to opponents, the NFL has begun a series of investigations into like-kind endeavors by the league’s other teams.
Monday, league officials issued a disturbing revelation when Commissioner Roger Goodell announced his suspicion that the Chicago Bears’ offensive line must have issued a bounty against its own quarterback, Jay Cutler.
“At first, I thought Cutler might just stink,” said Goodell. “But upon further review, I realized that he was actually okay. This wasn’t his fault. So then I began to wonder how such massive men could fold like schoolgirls when pressured by opponents. There can be only one conclusion: these guys are paying themselves to take dives so Cutler can get creamed.”
Team officials could not be reached for comment. Cutler was confronted by reporters as he was leaving his most recent physical therapy session. When asked to comment, he stated, “No way! These guys are like brothers to me. I mean, they have my back all the time.”
At that moment, Cutler turned, looked behind him as if he were expecting to see his teammates, realized nobody was there, then shrugged his shoulders and began to slowly walk to his car. Muffled sobs could be heard.