The Red Sox finally received compensation for Theo Epstein from the Cubs in the form of a right handed pitcher named Chris Carpenter – unfortunately nobody told new Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine the it wasn’t the Cy Young-winning Chris Carpenter.

“This is tremendous. I dare you to pick against us now,” Bobby boasted. “When you can add a Carpenter to a rotation that already has Beckett, Lester, Buchholz, and Dice-K, you’re talking about the top rotation in the sport.”

Red Sox GM Ben Cherington pulled Bobby aside and explained the mistake, but Valentine continued to talk up the new hurler in camp.

“I didn’t even know Carp was traded to the Cubs,” he continued. “And as far as him being 26, hell Japan has had time machines for 15 years now, it’s certainly possible.”

Valentine proceeded to get into a verbal spat with John Lackey, calling him “Old News,” and “the most overpaid Roogy in the world.” The two had to be separated by David Ortiz.

As for the lesser known Chris Carpenter, he was just happy to leave the Cubs organization.

“I couldn’t believe how thrilled Bobby V was to see me,” the pitcher said. “I mean, I don’t even know who I am.”