John Scott returned from a three-game excused absence from the Blackhawks late last week with some swollen knuckles and impressive hardware after winning an actual Mortal Kombat tournament in parts unknown. The news doesn’t come as a great surprise, as Scott was a heavy favorite over a host of mythological beings, paid assassins and professional fighters.

“I wasn’t too worried,” Scott said. “The first match I saw had one guy freeze his opponent and then shatter his frozen corpse. But it’s not like [Zack] Stortini never tried that one on me before. So when my first-round opponent shot a grappling claw at me I just sidestepped it and pummeled him for 15 seconds until he quit. Then I dug into his chest cavity and plucked out his still-beating heart.”

Added Scott: “I probably didn’t have to then take a bite out of the heart, but I wanted the other competitors to know I meant business.”

Scott won the grueling two-day tournament after besting a guy with six arms that shot lightning bolts from his eyes. Many league commentators were surprised the Blackhawks let him compete in the fight-to-the-death tournament.

“Of course I didn’t want him to go,” coach Joel Quenneville said. “You never know when someone is finally going to get a good shot on him, but would you tell him no. My head still hurts from the time I told him he couldn’t wear his Zubaz pants on the team flight.”

Scott hopes to capitalize on the new-found fame through video games and movie opportunities.

“I’m hoping to be the next Bond villain, talk Stallone into a Rocky IV remake and possibly have my likeness as the final character in a real-life version of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.”

Image by Kurt Evans
Giles Tellum