The Chicago Blackhawks have been mired in a losing streak that is making the Eric Daze era proud. Players, coaches and the media are scrambling for solutions. One player is stepping forward, taking the blame for the rest of the roster: team drunk Patrick Kane.

“I’ve been sober since the losing streak started,” said a sulking Kane. “This stupid medication says that if I take it with alcohol it may cause death. I’m just sticking to beer and heading home around 4am, simple things.”

Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville has his own game plan to get the team back on track.

“Since Kaner has only scored 12 goals this year, we have been looking into installing a bar in the team’s bench,” he said. “Plus, Buffalo cab companies have been given cheap rates to advertise on the boards. He’ll be back in no time”

Brew Dreesus