After a rash of preposterous college football conference re-alignments, including Boise State’s admission to the Big East, the University of Hawaii was denied permission to join the Atlantic Coast Conference this week.
“It was bad enough we let the rednecks from Virginia Tech in and those thugs from the University of Miami haven’t won jack since joining the conference,” said ACC Commissioner John Swofford. “We learned our lesson. Other schools need to realize we are not the Big East. We have standards.”
A contingent of UH Warriors looked glum as they huddled outside the ACC offices in downtown Greensboro, N.C. smoking cigarettes and throwing dice. UH Chancellor Virginia Hinshaw seemed especially displeased by the ruling.
“It’s the Atlantic Coast Conference,” said Hinshaw. “We are on a coast. Look at Duke, that school is like four hours from any large body of water and they suck at football. What better criteria does your school need other than being located on an island?”
When asked if UH being located on the Pacific Ocean had anything to do with the decision, Swofford started furiously nodding his head up and down.
“Geography played a huge part,” said Swofford. “We’d have to redo our entire website and include all of the United States, not just the ones that participated in the Civil War. That would mean a complete makeover for the ACC.”
The University of Hawaii contingent weren’t the only ones upset.
Coaches and players from ACC schools started protesting as soon as they heard the conference’s decision.
“I thought we had something to look forward to,” said Boston College coach Frank Spaziani over the noisy crowd. “A regular season game in Hawaii would be better than any trip to Clemson.”