Apparently, playoff football in the NFL is serious business. So serious, in fact, that a woman will do whatever she can to help her man “survive and advance.”
Reports have surfaced that Gisele Bundchen—Victoria’s Secret supermodel and wife of New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady—has made a vow to “de-flower” Tim Tebow before Tebow’s Denver Broncos and the Patriots square off in the second round of the AFC playoffs this weekend. Apparently Bundchen believes that Tebow’s strength is flowing from his chastity and religious underpinnings.
“Listen, I’m not even attracted to him,” said Gisele. “But Tom’s pretty-boy status is being compromised by this guy’s choir boy appearance. Tebow needs a little naughty on that résumé so the rest of us can go on being imperfect souls. So, this week, I plan to get Tebowned!”
Brady was supportive of the idea.
“Okay, I know what you’re thinking,” Brady said as he laughed. “Why would I let my wife do this? Well, it’s simple. First, we’ll do anything to win. Hell, we’ve taped other teams’ practices for crying out loud. Second, thousands of guys already undress my wife mentally—and right in front of me to boot! She’s been eye molested so many times, I’m just kind of used to it.”
When asked if he knew of the plan, Tebow replied, “What do you mean ‘de-flowered’? I don’t even have a flower garden.” After being shown a diagram book titled, “The Birds & The Bees,” Tebow declined comment, walked to a corner, sobbed for ten minutes, then openly prayed not to be found by “the Great Satan Gisele.”
When told of the news, Brady provided only a two word response accompanied by an evil laugh: “Mission Accomplished.”