Derrick Rose was recently rushed to a local hospital complaining of dizziness, flaming feet and alarming hair loss. However, after a few tests, he was put at ease when doctors discovered he had a rare but very treatable illness: TooQuickia.

“Due to the patient moving at speeds normally reserved for sports cars driven by drunk celebrities or Lance Briggs, Mr. Rose was beginning to feel the effects of the human body moving much quicker than it’s designed to,” said Dr. Raymond Peterson. “He was getting dizzy from the sudden stops/starts while operating at what can best be described as warp speed. This was also causing his hair and feet to almost literally burn off.”

Dr. Peterson noted he had read several case studies of TooQuickia sufferers and noted Mr. Rose’s case was, by far, the most severe on record. TooQuickia effects only .0001% of the world’s population and can be easily treated with a high carb diet, playing while wearing weighted, leaded under-armor and a daily multi-vitamin.

Peterson also noted TooQuickia should not affect any other aspects of Rose’s life, such as adult relations with groupies.

Patrick O. Elia