Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Houston Texans Texans celebrate franchise’s first playoff appearance by playing Jake Delhomme at QB. They’ve played more chumps at QB this year than Floyd Mayweather fights avoiding Manny Pacquiao.
9 – Dee-troit Lions WR Calvin Johnson earns this week’s Master of Disaster award for his 244 yards, 2TDs and also trying to get on the field on defense with Lions regulars obviously still drunk from partying with Bobby Layne on New Year’s Eve.
8 – Denver Tebows Tebow plays possum vs. Chiefs in 7-3 loss, knowing he would then get his shot at heathen Steelers and their QB who so frequently disrespects women, leaves the toilet seat up and constantly asks teammates to “pardon his French,” even though he’s never taken French lessons.
7 – Baltimore Ravens Ray “Re-fried” Rice re-fries Bengals with 2 TDs/191 yards rushing in 24-16 win over Cincy. Ray Lewis, attempting to attract flies with honey, eschews trash talk to be nothing if not complimentary in regard to on-field efforts of Cincinnati offensive squad. Makes me sad, man.
6 – San Francisco 49ers San Fran RB Frank Gore debuts his independent film “Another Inconvenient Truth” at halftime of S.F. win over Rams. Film exposes government cover-up of climate change in Frank Gore’s sauna.
5 – Pittsburgh Steelers “Big Ben” returns to Steeler line-up playing on a peg leg, limps to 13-9 win over Cleveland Blahs.
4 – New England Patriots Tom Brady inspired himself by spotting Bills 21-0 lead and also by drafting himself in the 6th round of his fantasy league draft. Result: Here we go! 49-21 Pats!
3 – New Orleans Saints Drew Brees pads single season passing record throwing blind folded. Jimmie Graham becomes best college hoops player turned TE (passing A. Gate, T. Gonzalez and M. Ditka. Yes, Ditka played hoops at Pitt and even smoked cigars while shooting free throws).
2 – Green Bay Packers Aaron Rodgers actually missed win over Lions after eating too many foam cheese heads, not to rest for playoffs. Packers “D” DQed from playoffs, however, due to poor performance and will be replaced by local theater troop.
1 – Oakland Raiders No comment. None. But I will say this: it’s obvious the Chargers were allowed to use football filled with helium, but ghost of Pete Rozelle screwed ghost of Al Davis by filling Raider football with heavier, charged particles which led to our poor 3rd down conversion percentage and all those damn field goals.
Program note – The January 7th Playoffs edition untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature me and Marv playing 60 Minutes (which will be seen immediately following the game, except on the west coast). Marv will play Andy Rooney, I will play Ed Bradley and our stories are:
The illegal import of Gramatica brothers.
The impact of Seahawks/Cardinals games on the nation’s Ornithological Societies.
Andy Rooney (Marv) bitching about how many (bleeping) 8-8 teams there were in 2011.