In a shocking move that has raised eyebrows among NFL Player’s Union officials, the Bears’ front office has decided to ban members of their organization from trying to buy thousands of pounds of drugs at a time in response to wide receiver Sam Hurd’s arrest.

Hurd faces up to 40 years in prison on charges that he was attempting to buy 10 kilos of cocaine and a thousand pounds of marijuana weekly to launch a drug-dealing network, which has greatly limited his teammates’ ability to purchase hundreds, or even thousands, of pounds of drugs at a time.

Bears linebacker Lance Briggs expressed his frustration over the situation.

“Listen, I’m not saying I’d try to buy a thousand pounds of weed at a time, but for those of us on the team that do? Well they’re pretty pissed,” he said. “I mean, Hurd broke the first rule of being a Chicago Bear: if you’re going to buy an incredibly felonious amount of illicit drugs, do not try to make the purchase with undercover cops, and for the love of God, don’t talk to those cops about getting Mexican cell phones because they ‘aren’t as easy to track.’ Seriously, this is all stuff we go over at training camp.”

Briggs then awkwardly cleared his throat and said, “Oh, and, uh, hey kids. Don’t do drugs.”

By Jeff GoodSmith

Jeff GoodSmith