Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Dee-troit Lions Detroit forces six turnovers, returns two for TDs, Matt Stafford hits the WR with the most potential to be arrested at a Hardee’s (Titus Young) for a long score and Lions still have to hang on by a facemask to edge puke-pathetic Vikings. I’m putting them in time-out.
9 – San Francisco 49ers Arid-zona QB T-Bone Skeleton (or whatever you call it) Tebows ‘Niners with 282 yards/3 TDs. Jim Harbaugh spits on his hand before post-game handshake with Ken Whisenhunt, causing another ruckus.
8 – New York Giants Eli Manning comeback vs. Dallas statistically a “Tebow,” but without any of the Tebow flair. I know Tim Tebow. You, sir, are no Tim Tebow. Call your (bleeping) daddy on me, boy, dare you!
7 – Houston Oilers Bengals, don’t (bleep) with T.J. Yates and give his parents the worst seats in Cincy (or is that redundant?) for the game. It just forces him to Tebow your asses 20-19.
6 – Denver Tebows After another Miracle at Mile High win over Chicago 13-10, Webster’s replaces the word “comeback” with “Tebow.” They also put his picture on the cover of the dictionary.
5 – Pittsburgh Steelers Instead of watching their snoozing 14-3 win over Cleveland, I watched “Predator” again. James Harrison earns this Master of Disaster award this week for at least attempting to draw and quarter Colt McCoy.
4 – New England Patriots Tom Brady and offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien sign up for couples therapy after sideline blow-up in win over ‘Skins. Rex Grossman wishes his offensive coordinator knew his name.
3 – New Orleans Saints Drew Brees on pace to break Dan Marino’s single season passing yardage mark, Tom Brady’s single season TD pass record and Will Rogers single season niceness record.
2 – Green Bay Packers 13-0 after “The Miracle of Lambeau” win over Raiders, Aaron Rodgers improves his QB rating to a number that causes you to go blind when you look at it.
1 – Oakland Raiders Raiders send Cincinnati four more draft picks to complete Carson Palmer trade, just to keep ESPN guessing. Palmer, just to keep Raiders guessing, throws four picks vs. Packers in greatest upset in NFL history (GB 46, Oak 16). I smell a Super Bowl rematch. Or is that smelling salts? I want Jason Campbell back.
Program note – The December 17th untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature 100% Tim Tebow analysis. Among topics to be discussed:
How he literally made Charger kicker Nick Novak pee himself on the field before missing two game-winning field goals.
How he transformed himself into a phantasm to float on the field and knock Marion Barber out of bounds.
How Joe Montana cries himself to sleep at night knowing he’s not as good as Tim Tebow.
We also rank NFL “Modes”:
1 – Tebow-mode
2 – Suh-mode
3 – Beast-mode