With NBA basketball now on the horizon, the Blackhawks will no longer be the lone tenants of the United Center. Several members of the team have been using the Bulls locker room as a junk closet this season and will soon have to make critical decisions concerning some of their stuff.

“I got really into making these little clay pots for a while,” said defenseman Brent Seabrook. “But then I asked myself, ‘What am I actually going to put in all these clay pots?’ So I tried giving some away but I guess they all ended up in the same place again.”

Among the piles of pottery were several unfinished paintings, original-model Gameboys, half-built model cars, Matchbox cars, a beer brewing kit, coin collections, baseball cards, Canadian Football League cards, a miniature Zen rock garden, a toy guitar and xylophone, garden tools and an extensive collection of cassette tapes.

Many of the gathered items went unclaimed, but a few players are now having trouble deciding whether or not to completely abandon their old hobbies.

“I had this vision, you know,” said Patrick Sharp, staring at a canvas covered in yellow paint with orange spots. “It’s not quite coming out right … Or maybe it’s done. Painting makes me so conflicted.”

When asked what made him decide to take up painting, Sharp simply said, “Ohio.”

Also found in the Bulls’ dressing room was a baby elephant, likely left behind by the recently departed circus. The animal was swaddled in a Blackhawks blanket with the words “rally pachy” painted on the side. This, too, went unclaimed by the players.

By Dan Bradley

Bandwagon Dan