As the Chicago Blackhawks prepare for their annual two week long road trip, it was announced today that the team has loaned Patrick Kane to the circus in exchange for a strongman. Stan Bowman announced the temporary swap on Monday. Since losing to the Vancouver Canucks in a brutal Stanley Cup Playoff series, the Blackhawks have been combing the free-agent market in an attempt to gain more toughness.
Patrick Kane was selected by Barnum and Bailey to be presented as “The Iron Liver.” Kane will be asked to drink a thirty pack of PBR, two bottles of wine, and two flasks of Canadian Club in a span of two hours nightly.
When asked about the opportunity, Kane showed his excitement saying, “The booze is free, why would I pass this up?”
Bowman was equally enthusiastic.
“It is an unique opportunity for both parties,” he said. “Even after our off-season search, the best enforcer mustache we could find was Dan Carcillo’s. Now we get a real enforcer, complete with handlebar mustache. And after two weeks worth of binge drinking, Kaner’s body will be too numb to feel pain. He’ll be superhuman ’till Christmas.”