In a complete break from its standard coddling of certain offensive positions, the NFL is turning Halloween weekend into a “Free Hit” weekend, wherein defenses throughout the league will be able to actually touch opposing quarterbacks and wide receivers without fear of a penalty.
Commissioner Roger Goodell characterized the policy as a festive, seasonal move to encourage nostalgia regarding the days when football was still a contact sport.
“It’ll be super-scary for Halloween this year!” said Goodell. “Man, do you remember the ’85 Bears? They used to be allowed to hit—that was traumatizing! Back then, there was no fantasy football, no Tom Brady whining, and no ‘what will happen to the Colts if anybody touches Peyton Manning’ comments. What a scary time! It’s no wonder we had to rely on the likes of Hank Williams Jr. to promote our sport. Heck, we might as well have been brawlin’ in a honkey-tonk.”
When asked to comment about the one-week policy, Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher went into a murderous trance for three minutes. Upon snapping out of it, he stared at reporters with glazed-over eyes.
“Why?!” shouted Urlacher. “Why, for the love of God, did he do this during a bye week?!”
Urlacher immediately walked into Bears’ front office and demanded a one-week only trade to the Steelers—with the hopes that he could disembowel New England’s Tom Brady.
Brady was unavailable for direct comment, but issued this statement through his hair stylist: “Dearest Roger, Why?—Tommy.”
Urlacher teammate and supporter, Jay Cutler, was asked about his thoughts on the “Free Hit” weekend.
“I’ve obviously been privileged to be a part of the year-long version of the program,” Cutler stated. “I’m just happy other quarterbacks can have the same opportunity.”