Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, Weathers was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Chicago Bears Carl Weathers rule of gaming #1204 (b): NEVER bet against the Monsters of the Midway giving points playing on a soccer field in England. Matt Forte is this week’s Master of Disaster award winner. He had more yards from scrimmage vs. Tampa than the entire NFL had in the 1965 season.
9 – Bye week Beat teams with a combined 24-12 record (Pats, Bills, Bengals, Niners, Eagles & Giants) and f**ked up my fantasy team, The Carl Weathers Domination Society & Social Club.
8 – New York Giants But if I hear Chris Berman refer to them as the New York Football Giants one more time I’m gonna demote Eli from the Manning family to the Gramatica family.
7 – Cam-olina Panthers Apostles of Cam-nation unite in the glow of a dominating performance vs. Washington. Soon my man gonna have his face on Mt. Rushmore between me and Abe.
6 – New England Patriots I currently have the world record fastest time running around Vince Wilfork’s waistline (10.23 seconds, Usain Bolt is #2 at 11.55).
5 – Buffalo Bills Me and my old Harvard roomie Matt Fitzpatrick finally watched that “Social Network.” The true story is that we invented Facebook but got drunk after finals, then Jesse Eisenberg stole it from us.
4 – San Francisco 49ers Last year at this time I was going to demote them from the NFC to KFC.
3 – Deee-troit Lions Concern here is they’re turning into another classic Detroit lemon. If ESPN had done a Carl Weathers sport science segment like the one for Calvin Johnson the final results would have to be kept classified by Russia and the Pentagon.
2 – Green Bay Packers Packers fun fact: I invented the Lambeau Leap in 1940 when I leaped into Green Bay coach Curly Lambeau’s lap after practice.
1 – Oakland Raiders Raider practice squad lost a friendly to Sporting Kansas City, just warming up for next week’s bye. Al Davis is still running team from the crypt.

Program note – The untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will expand to 5 hours and feature an open bar, pregame stretching and Marv making a football from scratch.

Patrick O. Elia