In a shocking turn of events Tuesday afternoon, Theo Epstein walked away from his job as new Cubs president and a five-year $20 million contract after spending just 10 minutes with David Kaplan, deeming the WGN-AM and Comcast SportsNet host “the most obnoxious person” he’s ever met.
“At today’s press conference I met a local reporter and columnist who helped me quickly realize I was making the worst mistake of my life by taking this job,” said Epstein. “After spending just a few minutes chatting with David Kaplan it became clear I had to get out of town immediately.”
Epstein said Kaplan asked a handful of shallow, self-serving questions during the press conference and later cornered the young front office executive while he “droned on and on about how good of friends he is with Todd Hollandsworth and Ryan Theriot and how Jim Hendry used to give him all the big scoops.”
“He also said he was a great golfer and would love to ‘hit the links’ with me some time,” said Epstein. “As if I care.”
After learning his prized executive was bailing just minutes after accepting the job, Cubs owner Tom Ricketts was defeated.
“We all know David, or ‘The Kapman’ as he insists we call him, can be a bit much, but we really hoped Theo would be able to tough it out,” said Ricketts. “After all, I’ve met a few sports columnists from Boston, and they’re god-awful. It’s not like Kaplan could possibly be worse than even Dan O”Shaughnessy, could he?”