Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing in only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – San Diego Chargers I can’t tell if these boys from San Diego are playing rope-a-dope or what, barely beating some tomato cans the last two weeks (KC, Miami).
9 – Baltimore Ravens Quoth the Ravens, Jets never score. See, I got all Poe on your asses there. This is a deeply literate column.
8 – Nawlin’s Saints To qualify for the role of Chubbs in “Happy Gilmore,” I had to win five straight PGA tournaments. Drew Brees reminds me of Adam Sandler. I might have taken too many blows to the head.
7 – San Francisco 49ers Niners shock the world beating the “Dream Team.” Philly ain’t been this depressed since I knocked out Rocky in the Oscar-winning film of the same title. Also, I’m giving my “Master of Disaster” award to coach Jim Harbaugh this week.
6 – Cam-olina Panthers Nuclear Newton mushroom clouds the Bears in every way but the scoreboard. If Ron Rivera would just let him return punts and play linebacker, the score would have been Panthers 56, Bears 12.
5 – Houston Texans Mario Williams and Co. knocked around Big Ben like he was a piñata trapped in a hurricane. I didn’t hear no bell!
4 – Buffalo Bills Bills take a little step backwards, but basically playing a prison chain gang (Bengals) is not something Mr. Harvard Beard Fitzpatrick is used to. Yet. Here we go!
3 – Green Bay Packers It pains me to acknowledge the Packers scoring at will, so I’ll take this space to mention I’ll be at the Lombard Hooters this Saturday signing copies of “Action Jackson” just released on Blu Ray.
2 – Deee-troit Lions Same sh*t I wrote last week essentially: spot the (home team) 20+ points on the road, wake up on “D” and wait for Stafford-Johnson to get rolling. Game plan for next week is to spot Bears 30, just to keep things interesting.
1 – Oakland Raiders Raiders remain undefeated at Carl Weathers Stadium with a nice win over the Patriots 31-19. If you suggest I might be reading this score incorrectly, get ready for my fist in your face, directly.

Program note – The untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature graphic and gratuitous nudity as Marv and myself break down each team’s cheerleading squads. We watched more tape than Ron Jaworski and John Gruden combined, so as to make the most accurate and loving insights. I love working with Marv.

Patrick O. Elia