By Joe Malonecki, South Side Report

Hey Sox fans, I’m not gonna lie to you. Today’s a sad day on da Sox Side. Our fearless leeder, Ozzie [expletive deleted] Guillen, is a Sox man no more.

I gotta say, I love dat [expletive deleted] man, even more than my [expletive deleted] sons: Harvey, Archer an’ Li’l Ozney. He’s like family to me an South Side Tina. When he starts dropping dose expletives, it’s just like home!

I dint hear da noos until I came in for my morning work shift at da Torrence Avenue Tire Fire & Hot Wingz (our motto: You know da wingz are good, cuz they’re cooked on tires!) and I was so devastated I almost hadta go home. Turns out, I forgot I got fired from there tree months ago, so it all worked out in da end, but still, it hurt pretty bad.

And dat was a pretty classy move by da commishiner Bud Shoeshine, endin’ the season early so Ozzie can go take anudder job. I mean, wit da Sox out of the playoff who [expletive deleted]in’ gives a [expletive deleted] about the [expletive deleted]in’ playoffs anyway?

And good for Ozzie, takin’ dat trip to Spain on Friday. He musta known dey were gonna cancel the season anyway, so dat explains him leavin’ the country on da first day of the playoffs, right?

I’m also takin’ da family on a little trip abroad (haha, I said a broad!). Assumin’ the ol’ parole officer gives da OK, me and South Side Tina’re packin’ up da kids in da Camaro and drivin’ on down to Toledo for da weekend. She told me that’s in Italy!

So, what’s next for our beloved Sox? Well, ol’ Joe’d like to throw his hat into da ring as a cannidate for da next manager. Why not? I mean, it’s not like I got anything else goin’ on. And don’t tell anyone, but I grabbed a coupla extra tire irons from da office, so if da umps make a bad call or da udder pitcher is doin’ real against us, I can just go out there and beat the livin’ [expletive deleted] outta them!

Read about some of Joe Malonecki’s past exploits here.