After Jim Hendry was fired last month, many have been speculating what would be done with Cubs president Crane Kenney, the man who infamously brought in a Greek Orthodox priest to bless the dugout during the 2008 playoffs. The stunt didn’t work back then, but Kenney is hoping his tactic will work now, having brought in a priest to the Cubs offices in the beginning of the season to help keep his job.
To the annoyance of employees at work Monday, the priest walked up and down the aisles of the Cubs offices at Wrigley Field, splashing holy water over all them and many of the expensive computers throughout the office.
“That stuff stings like hell,” said Tom Hanson, a low level team accountant who was hit in the eyes unsuspectingly with holy water, and whose computer shorted out after it was doused with the blessed liquid. “I was in the middle of an important presentation, and now it’s lost all because of that idiot decided to bring a priest into the office. With people like this running the show, it’s no wonder we haven’t won a World Series in over 100 years.”
The ploy seems to be working for now. Owner Tom Ricketts has given every indication that Kenney will be keeping his job, but that has done nothing to detract his critics.
“I’m in charge of the business side of the Cubs organization,” said Kenney in defense of himself over the poor baseball decisions that have been made the last few seasons. But when it was pointed out that the Cubs business has been doing poor as well — attendance is down at both the ballpark and recent Cubs Conventions, the Cubs cited as one of the few MLB teams in violation of MLB’s debt policy, and an inability to get funding for Wrigley renovations — Kenney avoided the topic.
“What’s that?” asked Kenney, as he pointed off in the distance and bolted from the room.